I am very excited to be able to report that I have taken a major step forward in expanding our understanding of the universe. The paper has been lodged on arXiv.org and it is only a matter of time before the Nobel Committee gets round to calling.

I have established that the fundamental element of time (at least between 9am and 5pm Monday to Friday) can exist only in pre-determined, discrete quantities. Furthermore I have shown that these also have a minimum value, with all other quantities being multiples of this. More conventional (aka hidebound) researchers would slavishly adhere to established, but outmoded, protocol and allocate this minimum quantity the number 1. I have been braver and less mentally constrained than my more quotidian colleagues in deciding to associate the number ½ with this quantity. My reasoning for this is that while quantum numbers of 1, 2, 3 and so on are regularly observed, those consisting of an odd multiple (n > 1) of the minimum value are rarer that free lunches.

However, I have left the most exciting finding until last. I have rigorously calculated the value of the initial quantum number. My work determines beyond any doubt that this is 1.8 x 10⁹ µs (p < 0.003). I have modestly called this fundamental building block of nature Peter’s Constant and – as is customary – selected an appropriate Greek letter to represent it. The first letter of my name is ‘P’ and the Greek letter for ‘P’ is π, so I have naturally adopted this.

I believe that there may be some other antiquated use for this letter, but am confident that the importance of my discoveries are such that π will soon come to be associated only with its more relevant (albeit slightly newer) meaning and justice will have been seen to be done.

Congratulatory telegrams, bouquets of flowers and magna of Champagne (one of my hobbies is Latin plurals and Bollinger would be nice) may be sent to the normal address.
 

 
With acknowledgements to S. L. Cooper PhD – Department of Theoretical Physics, California Institute of Technology, Pasadena, CA 91125, USA – without whose inspiration this work would not have been possible.